Should Eggs Be Legalized?

Do you remember eating your first egg? I can still picture the carefully wrapped carton of 12 covered with shiny tinsel sitting under the Christmas tree just waiting to be fried.

My world was filled with wonder and satisfaction as I sopped up the last bits of runny yolk with a piece of government issued toast.

The XJ300 destroying the last known carton of eggs

I didn't care if it was illegal and I didn't care that it cost me two paychecks. The experience of an egg was worth all the hardships and sacrifices I was put through. It's something everyone should try and I feel that it's time the government lifted the ban on eggs.

It was 100 years ago today when the possession of eggs became illegal, punishable by amputation. The ban on eggs started early in the 21st century when eggs were considered bad for your cholesterol. A decade later, America (now the Federation of Free Peoples) suffered the largest recall in egg history due to an outbreak of salmonella. In 2012 the death toll reached the millions and the counsel of Obamacron felt that the only way to contain the mass deaths was to take control of all chicken farms and ban every human on Earth from selling or consuming eggs.

Yes, I know the dangers of eating them. I know that there's a good chance you will experience, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, hallucinations, numbness, loss of breath, blood in stool, and Stockholm syndrome, but I think that the decision should be left to people who want to experience eggs for themselves.

You can't blame a couple billion bad eggs and let them ruin a thousand good ones. Eggs have the right to be eaten. We must stand together and fight so our children and our children's cyborgs will have the chance to experience the incredible edible egg.

Obamacron Allows McDonalds to be built next to the Obesity Memorial Statue

Early Thursday morning, thousands of sweat drenched overweight protesters created a greasy human chain blocking entrance to a newly constructed McDonalds near the Obesity Memorial Statue.

If this McDonalds were built in any other location, these doughy demonstrators would have been eager pudgey patrons.

The Obesity Memorial Statue

"Obamacron doesn't care about fat people! This McDonalds is an abomination! A delicious abomination!" shouted Ducan Hillshire, a professional World of Warcraft player.

Last year there were 4 billion obesity related accidents ranging from sitting on the cat to exhaustion while climbing up a modest amount of stairs. The Obesity Memorial was created to honor the victims of fat related mishaps. The statue a thousand feet tall, weighs nearly 300 tons, and has a distinct odor.

Polls show that 37% of people oppose the fast food chain while 100% of cyborgs really don't care. This controversy mirrors the an event 100 years ago where a mosque was approved to be built near Ground Zero which ended in chaos and destruction.

The question is: What do we hold more dearly? Is it McDonald's right to free enterprise which made the Federation of Free Peoples such a great faction or the pain and suffering of a nation that is induced by the imagery of a McDonalds?

Which side of the counter do you sit on?

Heterosexuals react to Prop 8.5 and the Banning of Hummus and Elton John CDs

Today Prop 8.5 passed which makes it illegal for Heterosexuals to own an Elton John CD and for Heterosexuals to eat Hummus, a delicious combination of chickpeas and garbanzo beans.

Thousands of angry straight men and women gathered in protest in front of city hall dressed as Elton John carrying bags of pita bread.

"The Homosexuals are taking away our basic human rights. I love Rocket Man and I love Mediterranean food. Gay people will never understand the pain we are going through." says Jake Koufax from San Bernardino California.

The passing of 8.5 came as no surprise because today the California Supreme Court upheld the controversial Prop 8 which eliminates the rights of same-sex couples to marry.

What did come as a surprise was how delicious hummus is.

Hummus is a mixture of mashed chickpeas, blended with tahini, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic. It is popular with vegetarians and the Homosexual community because of its pleasing taste.

Now that straight people are banned from eating hummus it has created a huge black market for underground sales of the savory spread. You can now find a hummus dealer on every corner in Heterosexual neighborhoods. Hummus related crimes are up 4,000%.

Will the human race ever settle its differences? Will the war between two immovable objects ever end or will the two battle on and on for eternity? Only time will tell.

Obamacron - The Rise of the 2nd Cyborg President

Obamacron (Oh'ba:ma-cron) was assembled in the year 2061 in New Tokyo (formerly Honolulu, Hawaii before the cyborg invasion) and was created to bring peace between the humans and the sentient machines.

Being half robot and half Hawaiian, he quickly rose to power running on the platform of change and equality for all man, machine, and intergalactic organism.

Obamacron gained much of the undecided android vote and with the promise of bringing home troops from the moon, he eventually overthrew the former leader of the Federation of Free Peoples, Bushbot, who was built from spare parts left over from outdated supreme court justices.

Presidency

Bushbot

Obamacron's first act as President was to sign an economic stimulus legislation that delivered $1,000,000 in cash to every single registered Free Peoples. Unfortunately, the world had just recently converted to a universal monetary unit thus making $1,000,000 in Federation money equal to only 7 Euroyen.

During his first days in office he issued the closure of Guantanamo Gravitational Information Prison that housed millions of data servers that stored information deemed harmful to the Federation of Free Peoples.

In March 2109, Obamacron reversed the Bushbot ban on embryonic stem cell harvesting and increased government funding for Tissue Farms where human body parts were grown.

In the same month he also approved the bailouts of two major bankrupted corporations, Google International Space Housing, and Facebook Cannery and Meat Distribution Corp.

Google had dabbled in creating floating apartments that orbited Earth but a miscalculation jettisoned thousands of units into space never to return. Facebook had become so large that its canneries and meat distribution plants now fed 75% of the entire Federation of Free Peoples. A shortage of tin and discarded animal carcasses caused their stock to plummet triggering massive layoffs and jeopardizing the entire world economy.

Taco Bell Peace Prize

Obamacron also called for Congress to pass legislation reforming health care in the Federation of Free Peoples. The elderly were deemed inefficient and were euthanized so their organs could be used to "upgrade" younger citizens with their life essence. Spare meat would be sold to Facebook.

Obamacron is also the proud winner of the Taco Bell Peace Prize.


His term as ruler officially ends in 2114 but he is eligible for re-election for 100 more years.